Dogs Will Be Dogs
by baka deshi
Summary: A series of whacky, one-shot fics centering around our favorite canines. Some short, some long, all (hopefully) humorous. New chapter up! Look out, Kouga has a new enemy...
1. You can run, but you can't hide...

Disclaimer: I don't own Sesshoumaru, he melted the collar off ;_; (The rest are all property of themselves and Takahashi Rumiko.)  
  
Warnings: Rough language, some blood. Nothing terrible here, sorry to disappoint you.  
  
Author's Notes: This is a series of one-shot, mostly spam-fics following a central theme of "animal connections". Some are short, some are long, most are (hopefully) funny ^_^ Will continue as long as I have ideas, any suggestions? First two chapters are 1) Sesshoumaru and 2) Inuyasha, Kouga and Shippou are on the way!  
  


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Sesshoumaru crouched low, panting heavily. A tiny stream of blood tickled his right ear and he allowed himself to rub at it before resuming his defensive position. A part of him was still furious, wanting to lash out viciously at his enemy, but his more sensible side understood the uselessness of the action. _How can this be?_ He snarled in irritation, reflecting on the day's events. First that pointless fight with his low-life sibling-but now, pursued within his own home? If he had any less breeding, the youkai would have cursed. 

"Shit!" he snapped, realizing that even purebreds have a need for foul language. He raked his clawed hand through thick, silver hair, and frowned even more as he considered the situation. There was no way it would end peacefully this time. How could it be that every time he fought with Inuyasha he wound up worse off for it? _Gods, I hope at least his stupidity isn't catching..._

The footsteps closer now. There was no escape. 

"This all comes," Sesshoumaru decided, "from having such a mangy, ill-begotten hanyou for a brother." 

He braced himself and waited for the end. 

"Sesshoumaru-sama!" Jaken squawked energetically as he burst into the room. "Time for a flea bath!!"   


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	2. Dogs and 'Cats'

Disclaimer: Same as last chapter.   
Warnings: Strong language. Inuyasha isn't a very happy puppy ^_~  


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Inuyasha was not in the best of moods, to be sure. His head ached, his body ached, and his nose felt it had been hit with a fifteen-ton iron sledgehammer right where it counts. To make matters worse, he could tell the problem wasn't going to go away any time soon, despite his god-like healing abilities-every step he took sent another searing spike of pain straight from his nose to his brain. In fact, the hanyou couldn't even smell his own blood, which was a blessing considering the state of his left arm. 

"Goddamn cats!!!!" he snarled as he used his good hand to slash through the underbrush. _That was the most embarrassing fight I've ever been in!_ the hanyou reflected with a growl. _At least Kagome wasn't there to see that...shit, but my nose is fucked up-I wonder if my face is ok?_ He raised one shaking hand to touch the sensitive flesh and winced painfully. _Damn, eyes are swollen up too...can't see too great neither...shit!_

At least Kouga had turned tail and run, Inuyasha remembered. _Glad that moron won't see me like this--I'd never f*king hear the end of it!_ But that was no good either-Kouga had escaped without taking any damage at all. And by all accounts, the wimpy bastard should have taken the fall, chasing the cursed black cat his way...Inuyasha snorted indignantly. _Dammit, I shouldn't have chased it, but it's just so easy when they're running like that!_

_And it's also easy to make an ass out of yourself trying to show up that stupid wolf! _a critical voice in his brain laughed. _You're just as stupid as he is, chasing that damn thing when you should KNOW better!_ Inuyasha shook his head and instantly regretted it; the pressure on his head increased until it was almost blinding. Vowing desperately not to do that again, the hanyou half-fell, half-stumbled the final few steps to the clearing he knew must lead to the village, and his tree, and a bath. Yes, he could clean up real good and change his clothes, and then nobody would know he had- 

"Inuyasha!!!" a familiar, nasal voice squealed on the wind. 

"Shit!" the hanyou yelped. Of all the days for Shippou to be waiting for him...he made a mental note to severely pummel the kit for being too damn considerate. But that was for later--right now, he'd settle for getting away. 

Ignoring the protest of his lungs and body, Inuyasha half-dragged himself back to the treeline, desperately trying to get out of sight and scent-range before the kit realized where he had gone. If Kagome found out what a mess he was...Inuyasha cringed. The LAST thing his head needed right now was an 'osuwari'. 

_ Just a...little farther...I can make it..._

Unfortunately, his malfunctioning nose and blinding headache had also caused the hanyou to misjudge Shippou's proximity. He was barely to the first tree trunk when the energetic fox bounded over the ridge. _Shit, I'm done for!!!_ The hanyou squeezed his eyes shut and slid to the ground, feeling very tired and very depressed. 

"Inuyasha, Kagome says to--" 

Eyes widening, the fox kit came skidding to halt directly in front of the hapless hanyou and whipped his tiny paws up over his nose. 

"KAGOME!!! Inuyasha's being playing with a skunk again!!!"   


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Japanese terms: youkai=demon  
hanyou=half-demon  
osuwari=Kagome's word, 'sit'  



	3. Thump!

Got this idea while watching my brother play with my aunt's dog. Does anybody know why they do this? (The dogs, not the brothers ^_~) I'll give a cookie to anybody who can tell me! ^_^   
  


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"Heave---ho!" One final chunk of wood clattered onto the makeshift sled, and Jaken's shoulders sagged in relief. The old retainer leaned back to observe his handiwork, wearily mopping his brow with a ratty scrap of cloth. 

"Damned humans!" he grumbled, pushing his burden up the short incline toward their campsite. " 'Oh, Sesshoumaru-sama, I'm cold!'" he mocked in a rough approximation of a young girl's falsetto. "_She's_ cold, so why doesn't she have to get her own damn firewood!?" he asked himself, though he already knew the answer to that question. She had his master wrapped around her chubby little finger, that's why--and she knew it, too. Jaken just didn't know if he could take it anymore. 

_What next? She's got him eating out of her hand as it is…_ he groused, briefly entertaining the amusing image of his master _eating_ the little runt's hand instead. That would brighten his day…a little. Then he'd probably have to nurse her back to health. Bah. 

A low growl pierced the tree line, and Jaken froze instantly. He knew that sound—hell, he'd know it in his sleep—and it was definitely his master's warning sound. Most creatures only got to hear it once. He was privileged enough to earn it often. 

Well, better that than death. 

"I said _stop_ it, Rin!" Sesshoumaru's voiced echoed out of the clearing, carrying none of the usual patience in it. In fact, the dog demon sounded downright…annoyed…with the human brat. Jaken abandoned the sled and slunk closer to the edge of the tree line. He could hardly believe his luck. Maybe she had finally pressed the master too far and angered his master… 

"But Sesshoumaru-sama--!" the little girl's whine cut through the air, overriding the low rumbling growl. Jaken sniffed. He could almost _see_ the annoying little smile on her face--that ridiculous pout which always made him want to strangle something. Unconsciously, the toad tightened his grip on the Staff of Heads. 

"It just isn't appropriate! Besides, I---ah!" the demon lord hissed. Jaken frowned in concern. What was wrong with his master? 

"R-rin…" Sesshoumaru's voice was softer now, slightly breathy. Jaken's ears strained to pick up a faint rustling sound—silk, being moved? What the--? 

Thump-thump-thump-thump! A loud pounding noise echoed out of the clearing. 

_Oh gods!_ Jaken's knees weakened, and he sagged against the Staff of Heads. _They can't be doing what I think they're doing! _

"Rin, I—" Sesshoumaru gasped. A short, unintelligible murmur cut him off…a slight whisper of cloth...and then the pounding noise started again. 

_They ARE!_ the toad's senses screamed. He couldn't believe it. To think that his master had been tamed by a human girl—and one so young, at that! It was just awful. _Just like his father…_ the retainer thought unhappily. Another giggle, less innocent this time, and Jaken felt his face color with shame. 

_I should leave!_ his mind screamed at him. _I should leave and give them some privacy but… _Morbidly curious, he stalked forward toward the tree line, bringing him in viewing range of their campsite. 

Rin was kneeling in Sesshoumaru's lap, laughing her head off. He appeared to be glaring at her, or at least trying to...his face was a rather curious shade of purple. Slowly, Rin snaked her small hands beneath the folds of his kimono again, a mischievous smile painted all over her childish face. 

"Ma-master?" Jaken inquired, but his words were lost as Sesshoumaru tried (and failed) to resist her advances. Rin's fingers played along his ribs, tickling his sensitive stomach, and the dog demon made a noise that sounded suspiciously like a whine. Jaken could only watch in horror as his master's right leg began to twitch. Slowly at first…then faster and faster…in a matter of seconds, the offending limb was pounding against the earth in an expression of doggy ecstasy. 

Thump-thump-thump-thump-thump! 

"See, Sesshoumaru-sama?" the little girl giggled, pulling her hands back. "Isn't that fun?" 

"Not at all! I demand that you—aaaugh!" 

Thump-thump-thump-thump-thump! 

Jaken sighed and went to gather a few more pieces of firewood, not willing to watch his master's disgraceful behavior any longer. _Stupid dog demons…guess some things never change. _   
  


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Read and review, if you please! 


	4. What do you do with two stupid mutts?

Author's Note: Yes! I am writing again! But No! I haven't really started yet ^_^;;; This is just a little something I had lying around on my hard drive. It's really not that well-written, which is why I hadn't posted it…but for the sake of updating SOMETHING, I suppose it will have to suffice. Personally, I like the "alternate ending" scenario much better, but it just doesn't work as well in writing as it does in comic form ^_^ At any rate, I AM writing again though, so expect to be hearing more from me soon ^_~ 

Also, this takes place before Bakaryuuha, in case anyone really cares. Otherwise, pure fluff and stupidity ahead! :D   
  


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"One two, buckle my shoe…three, four, shut the door…five, six—oh no!" Shippou screeched, tripping over his voluminous pants. He flailed desperately, trying to balance with his bushy tail, but to no avail – his tiny frame teetered, and the fox dropped to the ground. "Aw man!" the fox kit scowled, scrambling off the game grid. 

"Shippou is funny!" his companion giggled, and for a moment he decided things weren't so bad after all. Rin was really cute, even if she did make fun of his tail, and if he could make her laugh…Shippou smiled gracefully and bounced to his feet, bowing politely. 

"Your turn, m'lady!" he gestured nobly, and she rewarded him with a playful shove. 

"Get out of the way, silly!" the little girl called, stepping up to the chalked line. She rolled her robes up, determined not to trip this time, and tucked the bottom edges into her colorful sash. Slowly, she stretched both arms out for balance, and raised one leg. 

"Ready?" she asked, and Shippou tossed the stone. She squealed as it clattered down on the 4—she wouldn't have to go nearly so far this time. The fox kit wagged his tail slightly at the sound of her voice, and wondered at how amused she looked. He had to hand it to Kagome's people…they did come up with some great games, even if they were kinda weird. Who knew jumping between chalk squares could be so fun? 

"One, two—" 

"KAZE NO KIZU!!!" 

"Eek!" Rin screeched as she barely avoided Inuyasha's signature attack, diving toward Shippou. She hit the ground hard, almost knocking him over, and Shippou instantly transformed into his hardiest form-–a wooden hobby horse---to protect her from the fallout. 

"Thanks…" she exclaimed, breathless. "What on earth—" 

Shippou scowled and transformed back, jumping to one side. Behind them, Inuyasha was _still_ arguing with his brother, waving the Tetsusaiga around aimlessly. Sesshoumaru was too quiet to hear, but Shippou was sure he wasn't helping the situation any…he had his poison whip out, and he was flicking it around mockingly. Kagome was waving her arms desperately, trying to 'sit' Inuyasha or do something to diffuse the situation before he got them all killed but---oops, there it went! Up went the poison whip, away went Tessaiga. 

"I hope I'm not that annoying when I'm grown up…" Rin scowled, eyeing the angry hanyou. 

"Inuyasha isn't grown-up, not the way he acts." Shippou retorted. "Besides, what about your Sesshoumaru?" 

"Sesshoumaru-sama is an adult!" Rin snorted. "He—" 

A blood-curling growl electrified the air, setting Shippou's teeth on edge. A monstrous white dog towered above them, baring poison-filled fangs. 

Rin sighed and took on the pose of the long-suffering and annoyed. "Oh, not again!" She picked herself up and dusted off briskly, trotting toward the village well. 

"Hey wait!" Shippou cried, bounding after his playmate. "It's not safe over—yikes!" A blast of poison illuminated the pathway behind him, and the fox kit dove for the well house. Rin was already hard at work pulling up a bucket, filled to the brim with icy cool water. 

"Here, you carry this one!" she instructed, handing Shippou a large pail. 

"Ugh! It's heavy!" he whimpered. Rin ignored him, dutifully filling another bucket. 

"Ok, c'mon!" she beckoned, trudging out the door. Shippou followed suit, although he wasn't too happy about it – the water splashed all over his tiny fingers, and it was C-O-L-D! What on earth could she be doing when—Shippou gasped to see Inuyasha struggling in his brother's jaws. Sesshoumaru was shaking the hanyou back and forth like a rag doll. Kagome was groping for her bow, but it splintered right before her eyes as Sesshoumaru accidentally trod on it. 

"Oh, for heaven's sake!" Rin scowled, marching toward the skirmish with Shippou in tow. "BAD DOG!" the little girl bellowed, brandishing her bucket at the demon. The white dog paused for a moment, lowering his head to the source of the voice. A large, wet nose sniffed inquisitively--- 

---and Rin threw the entire contents of the bucket straight into it. 

Sesshoumaru sneezed frantically, spitting out his brother. The dog howled and pawed at his nose desperately, but the water refused to come out. The demon was shrinking in on himself… 

"Yeah! Go Rin!" Shippou hopped around excitedly, watching Sesshoumaru change back into human form. He was so excited he didn't even notice that Inuyasha was getting up again…and that his eyes were blood, blood red. 

"Inuyasha!" Kagome cried, moving to subdue him. "Si—" 

"Raaaarrrrrggggh!!!" the transformed hanyou howled and shoved her aside, mindlessly aiming for his weakened sibling. He slammed on top of his brother, sending wicked claws curving toward the full demon's neck. Rin reached forward and took Shippou's bucket— 

---sploosh! A wave of water drenched Inuyasha and Sesshoumaru alike, and the hanyou thudded to a halt, collapsing onto his brother's chest. 

For a moment, nothing happened. And then, everything moved at once. 

"B-bitch!" Inuyasha sputtered, glaring at Rin. "What'd ya do that for?!" Shippou was relieved to see his eyes were no longer red, but they were still blazing – the hanyou was soaking wet, and very annoyed. "I'm gonna---" 

"Sit!" Kagome ordered quickly, before Sesshoumaru could react. Inuyasha slammed to the earth, trapping his brother under him. 

"Ow!" the full demon hissed, winded. "Why you little—" 

"No, no, no!" Rin clucked, striding forward. She tugged at Inuyasha's sleeve, trying to roll the hapless boy off her master. "You aren't supposta leave 'em on top of each other!" 

"W-what?" Kagome asked weakly. 

"That's what my momma told me!" Rin beamed proudly. " _'If there's two dogs together what you don't want together, hit 'em with water and kick 'em apart!'_ 'Cept, I don't think they'd like it if I kicked 'em where momma told me to kick 'em," she observed sagely, continuing to drag Inuyasha off his sibling. 

"Wait a minute…" Shippou ran the scenario through his head again. His eyes widened. "EWWWW!!" he exclaimed in horror. "That's _disgusting_!" 

The two brothers apparently had the exact same thought, because they separated in record time, scooting as far away from each other as humanly (or demon-ly ^_~) possible. Inuyasha looked like he was going to be ill, and even Sesshoumaru seemed a little perturbed. Kagome looked at the two, and she couldn't help it—she started laughing uncontrollably. 

"Although, I dunno, maybe we should leave 'em together…" Rin pondered, staring at her master. Big, shimmering eyes honed in on a sopping dog demon. 

"Sesshoumaru-sama, do I get my puppy now?" 

"R-Rin, we are leaving!" Sesshoumaru announced with as much dignity as he could muster, given the circumstances. 

"But I wanna puppy!" The little girl stamped her foot. "Momma said you're supposta get puppies from—" 

"We—Are---Leaving!" the dog demon ground out, striding off rather quickly. 

"Aw man…" the little girl pouted, but she dutifully spun around to follow her master. 

"Bye Rin!" Shippou called. "We'll play again later!"   
  


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Alternate ending: 

"Oh, for heaven's sake!" Rin scowled, marching toward the skirmish. She reached into Hammerspace to pull out a thick, rolled up newspaper. "Bad DOG!" she shouted, smacking Sesshoumaru across the broad side of his muzzle. "GO HOME!" The large demon whimpered, and then amazingly enough, turned westward and bounded away. 

Rin turned to meet Kagome's stupefied gaze. "What? Don't you take yours to obedience school?" she asked, pointing at Inuyasha.   
  


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Ok, now that was bizarre ^_^;; Review if you liked it, people, I've got a few other weird things sitting around on my hard drive. 


	5. Enemies Since Birth

Wow, I'm surprised how well these spam-fics have gone over—I only wish I could draw them. (Most of them were conceived as omakes for a doujinshi anyways.) I wouldn't have bothered finishing this one, but Saro—you read my mind. I'd been picturing this one from the very beginning. Does anybody have any ideas for Shippou, now? I'm on a roll! 

Also, if you like this crazy thing, try reading "Canines Playing Poker" or "Cooties" for more crazy fun! I promise you won't be disappointed ^_^ 

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Kouga was pissed. 

Of course, this wasn't particularly abnormal, anger being the ground state for the wolf demon. He was somewhat akin to a permanently tightened spring, ready to go off at any moment; or to use a more natural metaphor, a drought-ridden forest in lightning season. His mother had deemed him her fighter, the one who would bring pride to her family—and he had, as the pup who would always be the last one standing in any childhood brawl. His father had called him a damned idiot, but well, there's just no accounting for some people. 

So now the prince of wolves, lord of the hills, was squaring off again—facing his most formidable opponent. His hands balled into tight fists and his legs spread into the beginnings of a fighting stance, but Kouga knew he wasn't likely to be attacked any time soon. It wasn't his enemy's nature to make the first move. 

He had never beaten this bastard, no matter how much it pained him to admit it…it was a weakling, and a coward, but somehow it always managed to get the upper hand. Hell, it never attacked him at all, as far as he knew, which paradoxically made its presence just that much more odious. Like Inuyasha, he thought with a sniff, although at least Dog Crap had enough honor to put on a show. At least he would fight for Kagome…which was good, considering she was his. 

And she _was_ his, although it hurt the wolf to think of it…Hell, even her unconscious reactions shied away from him. He could still remember the way Kagome's scent had changed the last time he'd visited, as if she were frightened of his very existence…the way her bitter fear-scent had only calmed when Inuyasha stepped back to her side. He had tamed her, the bastard, there was no other explanation…and there was nothing he could do to reverse that. The wolf's eyes lit on fire, and for a moment everything was obscured—even his current opponent. For a half-breed mutt to take what he, a proud wolf-demon, had claimed… 

"Damned dog turd!" Kouga growled, and threw himself into The Game. 

He lunged forward, as usual, and his enemy dodged the predictable attack with ease. He spun about quickly, bringing his right leg about in a clever attempt to cut off the bastard's flight, but as always it snaked around to wind up behind him. 

"You bastard…" he growled. It puffed up mockingly, flitting about just out of his range of sight, and he got the distinct sense it was making fun of him. 

"I'll show you." the wolf demon rumbled quietly, wiping the sweat off his brow. "I'll show all of you!!!" he snarled, thinking of Inuyasha. Thinking of Naraku. Thinking of everyone who had ever died for him, with him, and because of him. 

The shikon shards glowed briefly, and Kouga's feet flew. 

Weave, feint dodge. _Don't pause to think, or they'll leave you behind._ Kouga told himself, losing his body to the rhythm. His feet swiveled and moved instinctively, anticipating each landing, and he accelerated wildy. As soon as one leg touched the earth it was off again, rocketing skyward in exaggerated arcs, and his heels dug grooves wherever they landed. Twisting, turning, bending…Kouga's nostrils flared, and he threw all of his strength into his next barrage of attacks. 

Still, his opponent eluded him. 

"I'll get you, asshole!" he howled angrily, grinding his teeth together in frustration. His enemy was a blur behind him, dodging so effectively he could barely keep sight of it; it was nothing more than a shapeless brown blur. How could it keep up with him so easily? he wondered in frustration as his claws sliced through yet another patch of thin air. 

Spin, dive, slash, bite—the wolf's dizzy dance soared to another level, churning the sod beneath him into a patchwork of dirt and torn sod. The air shimmered and blurred as he distorted the space around him, fueling his sore muscles with raw power from the Shikon fragments. His enemy waggled, dipped, retreated, and jumped… 

And always, always one step ahead of him. 

The wolf demon raked a hand through his hair quickly, flipping the sopping bangs out of his eyes. Sweat poured down his back in buckets and his nose was filled with the scent of his own exhaustion. His most hated enemy, dancing there before him… 

Kouga bit his lip and pushed himself harder.   
  


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Two curious eyes peered over the ridge at their Fearless leader, watching his curious dance. Kouga was spinning uncontrollably around the grassy field, spouting insults in every direction. Suddenly, his right arm snaked to the left and seized something dark…and all motion stopped. The wolf fell to his knees, panting heavily, and lifted the furry creature up to his mouth. 

The watcher sighed and sat back down beside his kinsman. 

"Chasing his tail again?" Ginta asked, gnawing on a piece of left-over jerky. 

"Yup." Hakkaku replied. "It'll be over soon." 

Kouga bit down for the kill, and they both winced at the resounding yelp.  
  


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Yes, I am sad to say there are some dogs that bite their tails once they catch them—I've seen it happen a few times ^_^;; 

Care to see more? 


	6. Dark Impulse

Surprise! Baka deshi is still attempting to write fanfic! (cue shock and amazement here) ^_^ Here's another quick ficlet for those of you out there who like these silly things, and hopefully it will help me get the ol' creative juices flowing again… 

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He hadn't meant to hurt her. 

It was the only thing he could think of, the sole thought running through his mind as he lay there, face down in the soiled grass. He was still panting from the exertion, covered in mud, and he knew he was completely spent. He just lay there, breathing in her scent and tasting the blood, and wondering how long he would burn for his sins. 

_Animal. Base. Monstrous._ He shut his eyes against the words swirling around him, but it did little shut out the horrible images. He could still see her, screaming in front of him…he could still remember the thrill that spread through his body as he chased her down... 

_I didn't mean to do it._ he whimpered, tearing at the grass. _I just couldn't…_

_Couldn't _what? his conscience mocked back, throwing her panicked face at him. _Couldn't stop yourself? That's a poor excuse for taking advantage of someone who trusted you. Do you remember how she **looked** at you? Did you like smelling her terror? She gave you her trust, and you ran it into the ground. _

But it wasn't his fault, he whimpered. The pain was upon him again, pressing down on his chest oppressively, and he let the tears come. He hadn't meant to, but dammit, it was his _nature_! There were…urges…he got when he smelled her, urges he couldn't exactly control; dark instincts that forced him to drool when he looked at her, and impulses that made his legs twitch in yearning. She was too close to him, too tempting, it was her fault for looking and smelling so perfect, it was her fault for… 

No. That was nonsense. That was no excuse. Tears leaked out of his eyes, and he threw back his head and howled to the empty, empty sky. He'd done what he'd done, and now he had to pay the price. 

Kirara growled and pressed Shippou harder, twisting him into the dirt as hard as she could without breaking him. She flexed her paw slightly and let the very tips of her claws slide out onto his chest. 

"Kirara! I already SAID I'm sorry!" wailed the fox kit, gasping for air. "I swear I'll never, EVER chase you again! NOW WILL YOU LET ME GO!?" 

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If you like it, review. 


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